A Decision is Made

November 29, 2009 at 2:25 pm 4 comments


For those of you that really know me, you know how awful I am at making big decisions. I have this special ability to see every angle and ‘what if’ that could possibly come into play and can spend days agonizing over a pros and cons list. I am obsessed with making the right choice.

I was presented with a very big decision a few weeks ago, and I am happy to announce that I have made a that decision! And, for the first time in a very long time, I feel very confident about the choice I have made.

I have decided to leave tour.

Whoa! Shocking — I know. I am shocked myself. To say that I enjoy being with the children of Choir 34 is an absolute understatement. I love them so much, in many ways they feel like my own children. I’m sure that it is obvious how difficult this particular decision was to make. When I joined The African Children’s Choir I joined with the intention of sticking with them for years, with the idea that this would be a major part of my life for a very long time. But it seems that God had something else in mind . . .

Being on tour is totally different from the daily lives we are used to. Every few days you are in a different city or state surrounded by a different community and a different set of circumstances. It is pretty much impossible to hang on to old habits and patterns from your previous life. It is a very refreshing aspect of tour life. It has been a constant prayer of mine that while on tour the Lord would change me for the better and help me to recognize why I so easily get caught up in making decisions, particularly when it comes to choosing a career path.

In October I began working through Beth Moore’s study of David. It has been one of those experiences where each days devotion was exactly what I needed to hear — I love it when that happens! As I worked through the book and journaled about the discussion questions I was slowly able to step back and recognize some patterns in my life. I began to see pieces of me that I might not have ever noticed in the daily grind of my life before tour.

About two weeks ago the topic for the day was “Getting Specific” when it comes to God’s will. Something I clearly needed to hear. Moore was teaching about David’s path to becoming king. He knew that he was to become king and he was well on his way to getting there, but he didn’t just want to end up on the throne. He wanted every single step that led to the throne to be the exact path that God had intended for him. He didn’t want to get there his own way, he wanted to get there God’s way. David knew that the path to the end result is just as important as the end result itself.

For the past four years, since graduating from college, I have been searching for God’s specific will for my life. Convinced that I could never make it as a performer, I began searching for other options. Maybe I would be a good high school theatre director, or worship leader, or maybe a music teacher, etc, etc. This pursuit was part of my interest in joining ACC. But while journaling about the discussion questions for “Getting Specific” I began to realize the mistakes I had made. I journaled for two hours, peeling back layer after layer of mistakes and lies.

I came to the realization that for four years I had allowed two lies to lead me down the wrong path. The first being that I could never make it as a performer and the second being that God’s will and my desires surely would never match up. This lack of trust in God’s ability to make anything happen and the idea that God is a big meanie and His will for my life must be something I wouldn’t be 100% interested in, dominated my decision-making for years. I knew all along what I wanted to do, which choice I wanted to make, but was so convinced that if I wanted to choose God’s will for my life I had to do the opposite of what I truly desired.

Pastor Mike once gave a sermon on becoming what you were made to be. He used the idea of an apple tree trying to produce oranges. It will never be able to produce oranges, no matter how hard it tries. It was made to produce apples, and apples were the only fruit that the tree would ever bear. There I was, three months into tour, sitting in a nursery rocking chair, and realizing that I had spent four years trying to become something I’m not. No wonder it was so frustrating! And the decision presented itself, ‘what do I do now?’ My options were to leave ACC and return to theatre now or to honor my commitment of touring for a year and return to that path after my time with the ACC, trusting that God would make it all right in the end.

So I did what David did, I present the problem and asked God what his specific will was in this situation. I knew the end result was to get back into theatre, but which steps did God want me to take to get there? I prayed about it and asked God to be crystal clear in His response, because making decisions is not my forte! What I received was nothing short of amazing . . .

Shortly before we left the church with our host families that night I received an email from my Mom saying that our Thursday night concert in PA was canceled, and we would be going to Ohio a few days early! Later that night I received an email from the director of a show taking place in Columbus this winter. She was letting me know that I had missed the original auditions, but if I happened to be in Central Ohio on Thursday night she would love for me to come to callbacks! I was so thankful for how clearly – and how quickly – God was making this decision! I attended the callback and a few days later was cast as Marian Paroo in the Music Man at the Palace Theatre in Columbus!

My time touring with Choir 34 will end at Christmastime. I can’t tell you how awful I feel for leaving tour and breaking my commitment. I will miss those kids so much and feel terrible for any difficulties I am causing by leaving the team short-staffed. Despite how clear God has made this decision, it is still difficult to not have doubts, the last thing I wanted was to let ACC down. But, I asked for wisdom in this situation and feel that God was very obvious in answering the prayer. To decide not to take the role would be to doubt God’s wisdom (James 1:5-8).

I don’t think that I stumbled on the path of ACC by accident. God knew that this was exactly what I needed to be able to break a bad cycle. I am grateful for every minute I have spent with these kids, and will continue to support the choir as much as possible, just in different ways. I hope that you will continue to support and follow them as well! I am overwhelmed with all that has happened in these few short weeks, but am so thankful for a God that won’t give up on ridiculous people like me! Please pray for my transition from tour life back into theatre, it is sure to be a difficult goodbye.

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Entry filed under: Observations.

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Jenni  |  November 29, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Not sure that congratulations is what you really say in this situation, but “congratulations” on seeking God’s will and listening and acting on his answer. You have no doubt had a huge impact on the kids of ACC 34 and though you are leaving, you have built a testimony that will teach them God’s truth and you are a living example for them of seeking God’s will for your life and following through. I’m very happy for you Kirstin and proud of you.

    I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to make it to your choir’s performance at RV. I’ve been planning on going since it was first announced and we had some family things come up that evening. All is well and back on track but I felt bad that I didn’t get to see you again and meet the kiddos.

    Continue seeking God’s will and I have no doubt you will have an impact on those you work with in the theater.

    Take care and be blessed! (And keep us updated! You’re on God’s tour now girl!)

    Reply
  • 2. Linda S.  |  November 29, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    I have to say I am surprised, but not disappointed. I am proud that you have listened to God and are willing to seek His will. I don’t think ACC was a mistake either. If you had not taken that journey you would not have met those kids and we wouldn’t have either. I think it was a blessing for all of us. (and for them)
    Conintue to follow God’s path and you will find the KINGDOM just like David did.
    I love you!

    Reply
  • 3. Barb  |  December 4, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Kirstin,

    Your post touched me deeply. I know you must have struggled with this decision, but in the end you are following what you believe to be God’s will.

    I really appreciate how you shared the journey to your decision, your “history” of decision-making, and bathing it in prayer. It shows a spiritual maturity and a desire to not just make “a decision,” but to discover areas of your life that perhaps needed addressing.

    Oswald Chambers says to “not wrestle WITH God, but with the things of the world BEFORE God.” This you have done.

    Praying for you in this time of transition.
    Barb Haller

    Reply
  • 4. Anna Magruder  |  December 26, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Hi Kirsten,
    I know that you don’t know me that well, but I have been keeping up to date with your journey via your blog and am always moved by your words.

    This particular post really resonated with me as I have been learning the same lesson this past year regarding God’s will for my life: God will not lead me to be someone or do something that is not what I already love and desire. How wonderful for you to receive confirmation so quickly and clearly. That is so powerful.

    I celebrate you and your journey – spiritual and literal! -Anna

    Reply

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One does discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. - Andre Gide
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